Belle de Jour's 'Guide to Men': A Review

No girl needs a reason to brush up on her skills in man-hunting, and no matter how clued-up we believe ourselves to be when it comes to the love game, there's always one jerk or another waiting around the corner to trump us. In her new novel, Guide to Men, experienced London call-girl Belle de Jour lays out the dos and don'ts of dating, the whys and wherefores of relationships and the ultimate faux-pas in bagging that bloke. What more could the single girl ask for, right?

In an introduction that could hardly be more straight-talking if it came up and bashed you over the head, Belle is quick to establish the ground rules of using the book: there's a type of girl and a type of guy, and only once we've confirmed our own category can we begin to use it to our advantage. For example, there are 3 styles of man-hunting: the GG, or Good Girl (requires high-maintenance), the Plain Jane (middle of the road, but not as average as she sounds) and last but not least, the SB, or Scary Bitch (example specimen: Jodie Marsh).

Of course, there are around fifteen plus categories of men, and, according to Belle, in order to tame them into either a boyfriend, That Guy I'm Seeing, or a FWB (Friends With Benefits, or fuck-buddy), we, as the modern-day female, must learn first to identify them and then to slot them soundlessly into the position we want. Intrigue led me to buy the book: is there a magic something that I'm yet to discover? Could Belle de Jour have the ability to empower me with 100% man success rate and render the broken heart a thing of the past?

Unfortunately for Belle, after flipping over the page to the twelfth type of man ('The Likely Lad') my attention slips and Belle's commanding tone dims to an annoying waffle. Don't get me wrong, I'm all for girl-power and taking control of our love lives- but why would a woman seeking man advice, benefit from being told that the apparent reality of the situation is thus: categorising, analysing and interpreting his every move, while responding accordingly. This is the only way we can secure a good man?

Admittedly, the most common problem with women is that while men can separate just sex from love, us girls have more of an issue with it. Generally we do over-analyse things, and Belle de Jour names this as our biggest setback in the man-hunt. Yet Guide to Men advises women to trawl through every possible ulterior motive to his every word and action. Witty and wily at every turn, the book is a gem if you're already a professional man-eater. However, if, like me, you're more of a Plain Jane than a Scary Bitch: then you're probably already doing just fine.

Novel-thoughts...

Just read an article which said 1 in 4 online users write a blog and immediately thought... blog!
I read Rosamunde Pilcher's The Shell Seekers last week and I could not put it down (with the new 1hr 30 min commute I'm getting through books like there's no tomorrow). Recommended by my grandmother (who is without a doubt a Penelope) I was reluctant to pick it up but it utterly engrossed me from the beginning. The traditional loveliness which marinades the entire story is so very endearing and the plot is predictable but still so satisfying. I hated Nancy, respected Olivia, loved Penelope and Antonia as I was supposed to. It was reminiscent of Pride and Prejudice or Emma and Jane Austen is my favourite novelist.
This morning I shouted 'Book! Book!' as I rushed around getting ready to run out the door and my mother placed Rosamunde Pilcher's September in my bag. Surprisingly, it's actually a follow-on from The Shell Seekers. THe introduction is set up by a whole pack of new characters but slowly the ones are unearthed every now and again. It's quite exciting wondering who else is going to pop up and in what relation, to who.
It's so enthralling that it makes me want to start writing a novel of my own right here and now. However... I'm still very much stuck on style, genre, length, person I want to write in and most importantly... I haven't a clue what to write about. Why do I have an irresistible urge to write if I haven't one single idea? It's beyond me.

Writing

I absolutely adore writing and read everything I can get my hands on. To produce a truly fantastic novel is my ultimate dream, beyond everything else. However... I have absolutely no idea where to start, and I don't really have any ideas. Obviously, this is quite a problem. Music inspires me, food inspires me and people inspire me. But not so much that I want to write a novel based on them/it. I've read books which tell you how to plan, how to write, how to get published... but surely it's not something that you can Really teach? I don't know. I know how to write the news. I know how to engage with online users. But I wouldn't know what to write in a book. And yet I think about writing one everyday! To come home and pick up my laptop and keep typing on my own book would be amazing. If only I could start it! Maybe I should just start writing and see what happens. Any advice?

Fillers

One of the most prominent problems in the cosmetic surgery world at the moment is the issue of fillers- both derma, and botox. These injections are ever more readily available in the UK and I spoke recently to Andrew Vallance-Owen, the Global Director of the BUPA Medical Group, and chairman of a website which is going live in July. The website is an interactive sign-up sheet and list of trustworthy cosmetic injection providers, and will provide them with a quality assurance mark which means that you can choose a treatment you can trust (as the website is called). One thing I put to Andrew was whether or not there is a problem with the actual products that are beign injected. These are, of course, regulated by the MHRA, and while Andrew didn't believe that unregulated products are being used in the UK, it is in fact problematic abroad. I intend to find out more...

Cosmetic surgery holidays

I'm in the process of finishing my MA in Multi-Media Journalism at Bournemouth University, and our end project consists of our own news-based website centred around an issue we chose. I chose to investigate the growing trend of so-called cosmetic surgery holidays- companies abroad who offer a consultation on the day you arrive, the procedure the same day, and accommodation in the sun for a week for half the price you would pay in the UK.

As you can probably imagine,I have encountered various problems in trying to achieve balance. However, soon into my research and calling around, I realised a very vital answer to one of the biggest questions I wanted to tackle. The question was: Is having cosmetic surgery abroad any more of a risk than having it in the UK? Obviously, UK surgeons are all saying yes, because they're members of credible organisations such as BAAPS and BAPRAS and ISAPS and to be honest, they all have a string of qualifications and experience as long as my arm, and I would definitely go to an English surgeon were I ever to consider having cosmetic surgery (which I am not, for the record...). However, as the surgeons themselves admitted (grudgingly) there are good and bad surgeons abroad, and there are good and bad surgeons in the UK, no more no less. I got increasingly frustrated until I came across a very very well qualified surgeon called Douglas McGeorge, who was the former president of BAAPS and whom I was working with at Channel 4 on a programme about botched plastic surgery. He told me quite simply, that unless you are living in the country in which you go to for surgery, how are you going to be cared for after the operation? One of the most important things you should consider when you sign up for an operation, because they are surgical procedures, is the aftercare you will receive. Most surgeons will check on you ten days after (depending on the procedure), then a month, then six months, and you would be expected to get in contact were anything to go wrong- and mark my words, it can go wrong! So ultimately, I have my conclusion: if you live in the UK, then do not go abroad for surgery. Indeed, if you live in Belgium, or Turkey, or Marbella, or anywhere else that they're offering cosmetic surgery holidays- do not go abroad to have surgery: what are you going to do when it goes wrong? Fly back there a few times? More likely you will end up going to a surgeon in your part of the world, and pay more than you would have had to if you'd stayed in England in the first place.

Help your cat reduce it's eco pawprint

I wrote a feature article last week which had to fit into the 'lifestyle' category, so I went for the craze of local food. Of course, companies like Riverford who deliver what they claim to be local organic food to your door are making millions by the minute- but is it actually local?

“Enthusiasm for seasonal and local eating is growing, but very few people are satisfied with a UK-only box, particularly in the “hungry gap” of April and May. Some items – such as tomatoes – have become year round staples. We’ve discovered that the environmental cost of bringing them from Southern Europe is much lower than growing them under heated glass in the UK,” says founder Guy Watson.

I guess it depends on whether you would rather help the local economy and eat locally-produced food, or reduce your carbon footprint- tricky.
Reading the Guardian this morning I came across an article which would presume that the latter is perhaps the more sought-after- indeed, saving the planet is still uppermost in people's minds after Copenhagen. It was entitled: "Sustainable fishing move could help your cat reduce its eco pawprint."

"For the environmentalist who has done it all, from greening their home to decarbonising their travel, there's a new frontier: greening their pet.

"Later this year the UK's 8m cat owners will, for the first time, be able to feed their kitties their favourite fish with a clear conscience.

"In a move announced today, Whiskas and Sheba pet foods are to become the first to sell products using Marine Stewardship Council-certified fish, which is caught sustainably and without threatening further dwindling stocks."

The article continues:

"While eight out of 10 cats are likely to have no opinion on the provenance of their fish, Mark Johnson of manufacturer Mars Petcare said people were increasingly aware of the importance of sustainability."

Eight out of ten cats? Isn't that one of Channel 4's shows? I was half expecting to see 'April fool' at the end...

Justice for James

Having just watched the Tonight programme on James Bulger, and being in the process of revising for a law exam, it reminded me again of the discourse surrounding the law in this country. Venables has of course again been arrested, and while I understand why his crime hasn't been released to the media for purposes of preserving his right to a fair trial, it makes me wonder (along with everyone else) just exactly why he's still walking our streets. James' mother speculates on the Tonight programme about the rumours flying around that Venables has been spotted in Merseyside, and her worries that he could in fact have visited her house, or James' grave. Watching her talk about her son is almost harrowing, not because she is emotional or graphic in her words, but because we can all imagine what she has been made to go through, when first her son was missing, and then when his poor little body was found beaten and mutilated. I mention these things only because this is what initially made me question the decision that was made when I was just six years old. I would hope that had I committed such a crime at even that age, I would still be in prison now. On the programme, the head of the Bulger case expressed his faith in our courts and said that he believed that they would deal with Venables now, and sentence him as he deserved. Surely the public should be the judge of that?

Wrangling party wives

This is what the BBC wrote earlier today:

"In an interview with ITV1's Trevor McDonald, Samantha Cameron said he was "very strong" and a "fantastic dad".
Mrs Cameron also admitted her husband had some irritating habits and said the prospect of their life changing if he became prime minister was "daunting".
She is expected to feature on the campaign trail ahead of the election."

I was watching Sky News live this morning and coverage of the coming election is focussing on the fact that wives like Samantha Cameron are now being used as accessories to increase voters for their respective husbands. While Sarah Brown wept as her husband was interrogated last week by Piers Morgan, Samantha Cameron will feature on ITV1's Trevor McDonald tomorrow at 2215, and in the meantime the BBC are hammering away at various members of the LibDem party to get Miriam Clegg to admit if her husband is also messy. Aside from the fact that using women to target women is quite an ingenious move, people are now referring to Mrs Brown and Mrs Cameron's "endearing speeches". Do we really believe that either of these men possess endearing qualities? Or do we really care? At the end of the day, they're attempting to tug at the Great British public's unrelenting heartstrings. Good luck to them, I say.

TV Newsday

Last week I had a rather disastrous time as Editor of our TV newsday. Having called a meeting the night before we had a rather poor turn out and due to a panic about another deadline we didn't really decide anything- mistake number one. I volunteered as Editor at ten o clock and it went downhill from there- although every single person in the team managed to plan film and edit a package in time for our one o clock broadcast time, I disregarded the fact that I had other duties and after throwing together a piece to camera I came up with quite a good story, and we led with it. However, having sent it up to the tricaster with half an hour to go, it failed to open or play when we actually got up there which was a big shame. Our poor presenters struggled throughout with technical problem and it was a generally chaotic and horrible ten minutes. I argued with one of the team as a result of his failure to produce a presenter intro., and our TV tutor Tom Hill addressed all his criticisms to me as Editor, which was very fair. Hard times. Nevertheless, I was Editor of Bourne Free for Convergence Day the next day, and I was organised to the teeth as a response to the horrific-ness that was the day before, and our course convenor was literally open-mouthed when he arrived and we'd been there for an hour sub-editing and chasing breaking news stories. Very satisfactory indeed, so at least I learned from my mistakes pretty pronto. Radio newsday today, done one 11 o clock bulletin, I'm the presenter. It went very well, decided to "streamline" the stories for better reading, also we're aiming at a younger audience, so have cut a couple of stories, added in some voxpops which I ran out and got then edited, and led with a better story- pay differences between men and women. Got some good sound clips, plus I recorded a sting myself over the Sex Pistols. Actually works quite well.